Blutrausch [Kurzgeschichte]

[Miss Kaizer]

...in wilder Hatz war ich...

was is Hatz???

Was für ein schauerlicher, nächtlicher Alb....traum..?

mich stark in Zaun halten müssen

mit Zäunen hat das wenig zu tun... eher mit Zaum

das waren so die Rechtschreib Fehler, die ich finden konnte.... und nya, das ist irgendwie keine Geschichte, die mir zusagt... klingt imo so ein bisschen abgehackt... wie schreiberling ja auch schon sagte, zu viel Handlung für ne Kurzgeschichte... vll wär's besser wenn du's als 'große' Geschichte ausführen würdest... halt wie er zum Vampir geworden ist und so...

[DerWildeWolf]

...in wilder Hatz war ich...

was is Hatz???

Was für ein schauerlicher, nächtlicher Alb....traum..?

...

Eine Hatz ist eine Jagd. In wilder Hatz also in wilder Jagd (da beeilt sich also jemand, wa?). Ein völlig legitimes Wort und imho gar keine schlechte Wortwahl.

Und das Wort "Alb" für sich gibts auch ohne Traum, kann also, je nach Kontext, auch absichtlich so geschrieben sein. Ein Alb wird oft als geisterhaftes Wesen, Gnomenwesen oder dämonenhaftes Wesen bezeichnet, bzw. einfach Alben/Elben/Elfen.

[La Cipolla]

Du weißt, ich traue der PN Funktion nicht. >_> Falls dir was nicht gefällt, kannst du auch nur den letzten Teil nehmen, ich hab mir eure Übersetzungen jetzt nicht angeschaut.



Rain of Blood

How would it feel to thirst for a drink one has to deny forever?

Abandoned by my master I stayed at my beloved ones’ home. At that moment, they weren’t able to know how much I had changed, and I suppose, they didn’t even want to. In wild haste, I had appeared in their door, and indeed they understood that I had been through a lot. My dark lord hadn’t let me go at free will, and so his evil laughter jelled in my ears, even when my eyes where looking upon their loving faces. But this look was unsteady, rushing from one face to another. Every single moment, I feared my pursecutor finding me again, bringing me to a place far away from the warm looks of my loved ones. The second thought hunting me was the image of them discovering what had happened to my, turning away in anguish and fear. But, inside me, a silent ghost was raging. The thirst came up creeching and I feared what might happen. The slowly approaching disaster that would part us again, this time for eternity. After all, fate isn’t to be tricked, and so the hours we shalt spend together were counted down merciless this time, although I still didnt want to realize it. But I was young and my live had changed completely short time before. How should I had been able to possess such an insight I’m calling my own now? But my thougts are drifting away again, and so the words shall be said before my feather is widening them.
Betty, my love, had come for me and was looking in my dark eyes. Since the shadows hunting me, they were veiled, they were veiled in a kind my loved one didn’t know from the happy days before. She guessed right something terrible was about to happen with me, something she hadn’t expected because evil wasn’t familiar with her. But she couldn’t say what it was. I could have told her. But I didn’t want to. In adition I had to hold back while looking at her atonishing shape. In spite the past years she hadn’t changed at all and I looked at her the same way as before my own Transmutation. Only the direction of my eyes had changed. In former times, I had stared into her clear eyes and finally I sunk like in a hill’s lake. But now, there was no more interest for these glittering ponds. My attention was focused on her veins, and realizing this I became inceasingly sad. The ghost inside had become very strong.
In the night, I drew back from them. I didn’t want to stay near. A hole inthe forest seemed to be more fitting than the bed in my estate. I spend only happy hours there, and so shalt it remain. In addition I had to fear one of those good souls discovering my stiff slumber. That would have ended in some turbulences I didn’t want to bear. This dark place should be enough for my rest. Before, I had to satisfy the ghost inside, so, I went for a victim. But which perfidious game was played with my poor soul? I wasn’t able to get satisfaction, from none of the humans here I could drink, because I knew everyone, really everyone from when they were born, and no strangers were there this night. Too, I feared to be recognized while draining at a bad luck’s vein. Would my love had been able to see me like this, I could have died in regret. With iron will, I let the night watch man be on his watch. My thoughts were raging upon the red essence of life and I dreamed of these liquid raining from the heavens. What a frightening nocturnal mare! But it seemed to me like the most beautiful story ever happening. A side effect I should suffer again and again, every long time no humans died in my arms. Many decades this was the only dream I had, till the day which shalt change my existence the second time.
These rest wasn’t a real rest. Although I lay lifeless on the hard stone, like everytime the sun wheel drove its route onto the heavens. But this time it felt different. Inside something had gone berserk, and in the next night I would have to restrain myself in order not to harm my beloved ones. Nevertheless, I went to my friends after these false rest, sitting down beside my precious darling. Like usual she recognized something beeing wrong. But she didn’t ask for a reason anymore, I suppose she realized I couldn’t answer. So she hugged my cold breast and fell asleep after a while. She looked happy and it felt good to hold her in my arms again. I wouldn’t have gone so far because I didn’t want her to discover my changing and of course in order not to loose control. From this distance, I could see her veines even better and her heart beat calm at my breast, which was so cold now. Slowly I took her hand, like someone delivering a kiss. But instead, I bit heir vein. At chance, I looked in a mirror, seeing my abominable deed. Like hit by lighting I let her go and pushed her away softly, so she awakened from her light slumber. She saw the blood at her wrist and she saw my bloody teeth, still piercing from my lips. This time I had to answer her. An evil ghost had possessed me and so I felt a steady dark lust. In eternity I had to drain from the livings blood, only to hide myself someday in a gloomy estate, because the sun couldn’t bear my sinful sight any longer. How to predict, Betty was disturbed about this. In fear she drew back from me, from the monster inside me. But who could have blamed her for? I myself would have fled in wild haste, I could have tried to escape the creature inside me. Nevertheless, it crippled my heart to see the anguish in her eyes. I went back to the old cave we were visiting together in children’s days. There I wanted to stay till I could overcome myself to end my existence. Never again I should danger my beloved ones. But without my only star in the dim night, I didn’t want to stay in these world seeming only black to me, nothing could have ripped me out of this darkness. The next night I was very weak thirsting and no longer able to restrain myself. Every rat walking in my cave would have been drained till the last drop, although I disgusted them since I was a child. But to my bad luck, every animal avoided the smell my cave sent out. It was the smell of death - my smell. But after some time someone entered the cave calmly and the hunter inside awakened, preparing for fast action. But smelling a sweet parfume, I realized who came and drew back fast. I didn’t know how long I could withstand the taste of her blood, and I didn’t wan’t to hurt the only sunshine I could bear anymore. But she came to me, and in the end, I felt a massive wall in my back. Panic reached my heart and slowly, but certain, the smell of her blood drove me to lunacy. She was so alive and I was so dead. Which doomed Fate hurried at me? Should I see the broad trench dividing us a last time, realizing none of us could pass it without great suffering?
Lunatic like I was I bit myself with one of these damned fangs and a single drop of blood ran down my cheek. Although I had to look like a wild animal she directed her sweet voice at me, something I could never forget. These angel was to good for me, I knew it even before she spoke her selfless wish. It was a wish questioned at a wild beast, a despaired man.
“Darling! Please don’t step back from me! I decided. Come and listen to my words, my precious star! I’m ready for everything. A part of my blood I want to give you in order not to see you suffering like this. Please let me help you, so we can spend many years together.”
That was enough to strengthen me, but i wasn’t happy. In contrary I was shocked by her wished. I knew I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself and in this cause, everthing would be too late for her. But she knew too, I would wither away fast if she didn’t do anything against ans so she asked harder and harder. Certainly, my soul would be tormented to its limit and it would take a long time to think of something not red. Steep I refused, because even as a monster, I loved here to death. Yes, in all eternity, my dark heart would be hers, she, who I lost so long ago because I coulnd’t accept the only solution of this dillemma. I couldn’t kill and draw her to the dark side of the night. Although I would have spend eternity with her, I knew she would break. Her good soul wouldn’t bear to cost the other humans blood. So I explained my greed had become too big for this plan to work. She had to realize I would kill her in an instant despite the loving feelings inside me if only a single drop of her sweet innocent blood would touch my cold lips. I would prefer to be burried alive instead of being guilty of her death, and so shalt it be. When the sun stood up in the heaven, she fullfilled my wish and in love, I rested a half eternity in mother earths lap.

Centuries later, one of my dark brothers discovered me, digging the mud away from my coffin. In amazement, I opened my eyes after long years and drank the blood of my rescuer, which he gave to me generous. Even now I cry thinking of my lost love. She was an angel of light in these world of darkness. Please forgive the red drops on this parchment, these are the tears shed for her.

[kate@net]

Rain of Blood

How would it feel to thirst for a drink one has to deny forever?

Abandoned from my master I stayed at my beloved ones’ home. At that moment, they weren’t able to know how much I had changed, and I suppose, they didn’t even want to. In wild haste, I had appeared in their door, and indeed they understood that I had been through a lot. My dark lord hadn’t let me go at free will, and so his evil laughter jelled in my ears, even when my eyes where looking upon their loving faces. But this look was unsteady, rushing from one face to another. Every single moment, I feared my persecutor finding me again, bringing me to a place far away from the warm looks of my loved ones. The second thought hunting me was the image of them discovering what had happened to my, turning away in anguish and fear. But, inside me, a silent demon was raging. The thirst came up creeching and I feared what might happen. The slowly approaching disaster that would part us again, this time for eternity. After all, fate isn’t to be tricked, and so the hours we shall spend together were counted down merciless this time, although I still didn’t want to realize it. But I was young and my life had changed completely a short time before. How should I had been able to possess such an insight I’m calling my own now? But my thoughts are drifting away again, and so the words shall be said before my feather is widening them.

Rebecca, my love, had come for me and was looking in my dark eyes. Since the shadows hunting me, they were veiled, they were veiled in a kind my loved one didn’t know from the happy days before. She guessed right something terrible was about to happen with me, something she hadn’t expected because evil wasn’t familiar with her. But she couldn’t say what it was. I could have told her. But I didn’t want to. In addition I had to hold back while looking at her fascinating shape. In spite the past years she hadn’t changed at all and I looked at her the same way as before my own Transmutation. Only the direction of my eyes had changed. In former times, I had stared into her clear eyes and finally I sunk like in a hill’s lake. But now, there was no more interest for these glittering ponds. My attention was focused on her veins, and realizing this I became increasingly sad. The demon inside got very strong.

In the night, I drew back from them. I didn’t want to stay near. A cave in the forest seemed to be more fitting than the bed in my estate. I spend only happy hours there, and so shall it remain. In addition I had to fear one of those good souls discovering my stiff slumber. That would have ended in some turbulences I didn’t want to bare. This dark place should be enough for my rest. Before, I had to satisfy the ghost inside, so, I went for a victim. But which perfidious game was played with my poor soul? I wasn’t able to get satisfaction, from none of the humans here I could drink, because I knew everyone, really everyone from when they were born, and no strangers were there this night. Too, I feared to be recognized while draining at a bad luck’s vein. Would my love had been able to see me like this, I could have died in regret. With my last ounce of strength I held myself back and let the night guard do his job. My thoughts were raging upon the red essence of life and I dreamed of these liquid raining from the heavens. What a frightening nocturnal mare! But it seemed to me like the most beautiful story ever happening. A side effect I should suffer again and again, every long time no humans died in my arms. Many decades this was the only dream I had, till the day which shall change my existence the second time.

These rest wasn’t a real rest. Although I lay lifeless on the hard stone, like every time the sun wheel drove its route onto the heavens. But this time it felt different. Inside something had gone berserk, and in the next night I would have to restrain myself in order not to harm my beloved ones. Nevertheless, I went to my friends after these false rest, sitting down beside my precious darling. Like usual she recognized something being wrong. But she didn’t ask for a reason anymore, I suppose she realized I couldn’t answer. So she hugged my cold breast and fell asleep after a while. She looked happy and it felt good to hold her in my arms again. I wouldn’t have gone so far because I didn’t want her to discover my changing and of course in order not to loose control. From this distance, I could see her veins even better and her heart beat calm at my breast, which was so cold now. Slowly I took her hand, like someone delivering a kiss. But instead, I bit heir vein. At chance, I looked in a mirror, seeing my abominable deed. Like hit by lighting I let her go and pushed her away softly, so she awakened from her light slumber. She saw the blood at her wrist and she saw my bloody teeth, still piercing from my lips. This time I had to answer her. An evil ghost had possessed me and so I felt a steady dark lust. In eternity I had to drain from the livings blood, only to hide myself someday in a gloomy estate, because the sun couldn’t bear my sinful sight any longer. How to predict, Rebecca was disturbed about this. In fear she drew back from me, from the monster inside me. But who could have blamed her for? I myself would have fled in wild haste, I could have tried to escape the creature inside me. Nevertheless, it crippled my heart to see the anguish in her eyes. I went back to the old cave we were visiting together in children’s days. There I wanted to stay till I could overcome myself to end my existence. Never again I should danger my beloved ones. But without my only star in the dim night, I didn’t want to stay in these world seeming only black to me, nothing could have ripped me out of this darkness. The next night I was very weak thirsting and no longer able to restrain myself. Every rat walking in my cave would have been drained till the last drop, although I disgusted them since I was a child. But to my bad luck, every animal avoided the smell my cave sent out. It was the smell of death - my smell. But after some time someone entered the cave calmly and the hunter inside awakened, preparing for fast action. But smelling a sweet perfume, I realized who came and drew back fast. I didn’t know how long I could withstand the taste of her blood, and I didn’t want to hurt the only sunshine I could bear anymore. But she came to me, and in the end, I felt a massive wall in my back. Panic reached my heart and slowly, but certain, the smell of her blood drove me to lunacy. She was so alive and I was so dead. Which doomed fate hurried at me? Should I see the broad trench dividing us a last time, realizing none of us could pass it without great suffering?

Lunatic like I was I bit myself with one of these damned fangs and a single drop of blood ran down my cheek. Although I had to look like a wild animal she directed her sweet voice at me, something I could never forget. These angel was to good for me, I knew it even before she spoke her selfless wish. It was a wish questioned at a wild beast, a despaired man.
“Darling! Please don’t step back from me! I decided. Come and listen to my words, my precious star! I’m ready for everything. A part of my blood I want to give you in order not to see you suffering like this. Please let me help you, so we can spend many years together.”
That was enough to strengthen me, but I wasn’t happy. In contrary I was shocked by her wished. I knew I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself and in this cause, everything would be too late for her. But she knew too, I would wither away fast if she didn’t do anything against and so she asked harder and harder. Certainly, my soul would be tormented to its limit and it would take a long time to think of something not red. Steep I refused, because even as a monster, I loved here to death. Yes, in all eternity, my dark heart would be hers, she, who I lost so long ago because I couldn’t accept the only solution of this dilemma. I couldn’t kill and draw her to the dark side of the night. Although I would have spent eternity with her, I knew she would break. Her good soul wouldn’t bear to cost the other humans blood. So I explained my greed had become too big for this plan to work. She had to realize I would kill her in an instant despite the loving feelings inside me if only a single drop of her sweet innocent blood would touch my cold lips. I would prefer to be buried alive instead of being guilty of her death, and so shall it be. When the sun stood up in the heaven, she fulfilled my wish and in love, I rested a half eternity in mother earths lap.

Centuries later, one of my dark brothers discovered me, digging the mud away from my coffin. In amazement, I opened my eyes after long years and drank the blood of my rescuer, which he gave to me generous. Even now I cry thinking of my lost love. She was an angel of light in these world of darkness. Please forgive the red drops on this parchment, these are the tears shed for her.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also einer meiner Kontakte aus Amerika war so nett ein paar Sachen zu verbessern. Aber er sagte auch, dass er nicht alles verbessert hat, weil er etwas zu faul dazu war. Aber ich hoffe doch mal, dass ich bis zum 1.Oktober noch einige Fehler finde. Bis dahin erfreut euch auch an ein paar anderen Änderungen. Betty wurde durch Rebecca ersetzt und Houst durch demon. Weril ich das einfach besser fand.
Naja ich hoffe doch das es auch eingigermaßen gut ankommen wird. Außerdem schreibe ich zur Zeit weiter. Ich werde hier bald mal die ganzen alten Version entfernen und löschen und dann in den ersten Post die aktuele Version immer posten. Damit man nicht imer so lange suchen muss. Bis dann.
kate

["ME"]

Also ich find es gut. Es ist besser als meine ersten Gehversuche.

@Alle!
Macht die arme nicht so runter Sie versucht doch nur ihr bestes. Ansonsten sind manche Kritiken ganz angebracht.

Also die Vollendete Geschichte hat mir sehr gut gefallen und den englischen Text werd ich mir ausdrucken und meiner Englischlehrerin geben und sie fragen was sie davon hält
Oder gleich meinem Bruder der in Kanada war zu studieren

[Icetongue]

@Alle!
Macht die arme nicht so runter Sie versucht doch nur ihr bestes. Ansonsten sind manche Kritiken ganz angebracht.

...

Na, das nenne ich einen aufbauenden Kommentar.

[kate@net]

So jetzt wurde alles zusammengefasst und die alten Änderungen gelöscht. So sollte der Thread etwas übersichtlicher werden. Das erste kapitel wurde nun fertig gestellt. ich werde natürlich noch ein paar mal darüber lesen, um die restlichen fehler auszumerzen. Bis jetzt habe ich es nur zweimal überflogen und auffällie rechtschreibfehler und schlecht klingende Wendungen korigiert. Genauso beim Prolog. Das opfer wurde ersetzt und einige Informationen über die vampire hinzugefügt. ich hoffe doch, dass euch diese Änderungen gefallen. Viel Spaß beim Lesen!
kate

PS: Danke für das Lob, dass ich auch per pm bekommen habe. So was baut immer auf und spornt an, wieder weiter zu machen. Obwohl ich mich natürlich genauso oder sogar noch mehr über konstruktive Kritik freue, da ich dann meine Fehler verbessern kann.

Wegen M-PEr bezieht sich auf eine alte Version und insoweit ist die Kritik schon angebracht. Auch wenn sie ausführlicher hätte sein können.