Kennt ihr auch dieses Gefühl eines emotionalen Arschtritts? Ja? Na dann dürfte diese Review ja nix neues sein:
Have some copy paste:
This... this feels like wish fulfillment in the worst possible way.
To recap, the story begins with a Brony really wanting to go to Ponyville, then he goes to Ponyville (where he is transformed into his heart's true form, a My Little Stallion). There's a bit of misanthropy, where "negativity" from the human world is causing ponies to get sick and die (oh, the horror)... and guess who has the cure?
So... then there's something about a seventh Element of Harmony (guess who that is) and... honestly, I just ctrl+F'd through the rest of the chapters to look for what "base" you got to with one of the main six.
I thank you from the bottom of my black heart that it was only a kiss.
I refuse to evaluate this story's plot. In the first two chapters, you clearly establish yourself as a self-insert Gary Stu, and... I'd say you have Chekov's Gun, but given the nature of Gary Stus, it's more like Chekov's Tactical Nuke. As soon as you (and yes, I'm addressing the narrator and you as the same person) cured Derpy, there was no element of surprise. I knew exactly how this was going to end (though I suppose there's a "Happy" and a "Sad" ending, but that's another critique altogether), and frankly, any "real" reader isn't want to go any farther than I forced myself to read.
In terms of mechanics, you have a surprisingly passable narrative voice. Sure, there was a bit of grammar mishaps here and there, but either by your writings' virtue or by comparison, I definitely noted that the problems with your story were despite, not because of, your writing abilities. Granted, your dialogue is fairly stiff and your scene transitions felt slightly rushed, but you've got some talent buried under this... thing.
I have two suggestions, in terms of this story: One, in the future, organize your chapters better---one chapter per document, and include a hyperlink to the next chapter at the end of each chapter. I'm personally torn over multiple endings, but I definitely think you should commit to one "real" ending and one "alternate" ending (instead of "happy"/"sad").
Second: Scrap it, work on something that isn't blatantly "I LOVE PONIES SO F'IN MUCH!" The Brony in Equestria story has been done to death, and it is never pretty. You didn't write terribly for your first (I'm assuming) story, but you sure picked an excruciatingly sub-par theme to write about.
I wish you luck in your future endeavors, and hope that you find something in this review helpful.
Okay damit wäre es offiziell:
Diese Story wird es niemals auf EQD schaffen und wahrscheinlich von 99% der englischsprachigen Bronys nicht gemocht. Aber es ist ja nicht so als habe ich nicht damit gerechnet.
Meine Antwort auf die Review: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/72536.html#76367
Ich werde mich also hinsetzen und die zweite Story übersetzen. Wer mir dabei helfen möchte, dem wäre ich dankbar, ich fange aber jetzt damit an, er/sie sollte sich also schnell melden.
Für Diejenigen die sich jetzt villeicht fragen warum ich mir den Allerwertesten aufreiße nur um auf EQD erwähnt zu werden:
Ich glaube man muss selber schreiben um das zu verstehen, aber man könnte sagen, dass ich zeigen will, dass ich eine Story schreiben kann die selbst die englische Community unterhält.
Ich denke ich kann das. Dies ist meine zweite Story und ich weiß inzwischen worauf ich achten muss. Ich werde beweisen, dass meine Storys gut sind!
Ich bin dann mal Übersetzen. Man ließt sich später!
Zitieren
So, und jetzt zocke ich mal wieder etwas, Stalker oder so, mal schaun 
