English for Outsiders - Englisch für Reingefallene

[Ar'dun]

Nach dem schlechten Witz in der Überschrift, gleich zum Thema.(BTW: Teert und federt mich bitte nicht gleich, falls ich das falsche Forum für mein "Anliegen" erwischt habe.)

Es geht um meine Infoseite zu meinem Spiel. Und bevor nun ein virtuelles Schloß neben dem schlechten Witz von Überschrift prangt, sei gesagt, das ich KEINE Werbung an DIESER Stelle dafür machen will/werde (die befindet sich -im einklang mit der Prophezeiung- schon im entsprechenden Thread).

Es geht mir lediglich darum ein wenig Feedback zur englischen Verso (die ich heute in Rekordzeit hingeklatscht habe ) der Page zu bekommen, noch bevor ich diesen Teil offiziel online stelle.

Insofern möchte ich das Volk dazu aufhetz..äh -rufen >>folgendes<< mal nach Fehlern zu durchsuchen. Keine hetzte es sind sicher genug "Bugs" für alle da (meine angestaubten Englisch-Kenntnissen und den schlechten -mir bekannten- Online-Lexika sei dank).

Schonmal ein dickes "Danke schön" im voraus.

Gruß
~Ar'dun~

[nocius]

Ich habs ein wenig umgeschrieben. Ich komme selbst erst in die neunte Klasse, also wunder dich nicht, wenn sich da einige Fehler eingeschlichen haben. Aber ich denke, ich kann behaupten, ich habe einige Fehler ausgemerzt. Frag aber auf jeden Fall noch jemand anders, wie gesagt, ich hab Englisch noch nicht so lange, dass ichs (fast) Fehlerfrei könnte:

News:
Hi Guys.

This is the english version of the info-page to my game called "Whispering Shadows".

It contains informations about the story and the characters of WS. If you want to visit the screenshot-section of my page, to get an idea how the game is supposed to look like, you may do so.

Comments and suggestions can be sent to: Webmaster.

Enjoy!

Story:
"Corey, a worker at "The Company", is dreaming scary and mysterious things for a long time. He doesn't know where they're coming from and what their meaning is. These nightmares cause splitting headeaches which force him to look for help in a sanatorium, lead by "The Company".

At an intersection near the sanatorium, he gets unconscious and causes an accident. "The Company" tries to keep this accident secret, but why? Corey gets taken to the sanatorium and he's comatose since the accident happened.

As he finally opens his eyes, he finds himself dreaming one of this scary nightmares, which made no sense in the past. This time the nightmare should end completely different all the ones he dreamt before. Corey doesn't remember who or where he is, but as he reveals more and more secrets kept by his old employer, the swamp of lies and betrayal gets deeper and deeper..."

... Whispering Shadows ...

Charaktere:

Corey: Corey works for a Hi-Tech-Company simply called "The Company". He's dreaming scary nightmares every night and decides to search for some answers in a sanatorium lead by "The Company".

Corey is introverted and has (in Red Eye's opinion) a strange opinion about morality. He lost his memory, because of an accident on the way to the sanatorium and feels lost in this "new" dangerous world. As his new friends get into trouble, he shows which power inhabits him.

Linda: Nothing detailed is known about her. She seems to be a shadow from Corey's past and is part of his mind, in a special way.

Red Eye: Red Eye's real name is Ryan. After he was captured by "The Company". Inhuman experiments had been done with him. The scientists of "The Company" forced him to proof whether a new invention they made is working or not. Red Eye fled due to 'Xel's' help and decided to forget his past. He dedicates his new life to the resistance to "The Company".

Red Eye locked his emotions deep inside his heart. Red Eye's simple character just covers the deep pain which is deep inside him.

Xeline: Xeline's nickname is 'Xel'. Xeline is the leader of a small rebellious group which was nearly completely killed after an attack of "The Company". The complete group, except Red Eye and Xeline, was brutally killed in this massacre. Xeline is born for fighting for freedom and morality. She would never give up. But what are her reasons for fighting...?

Khalia: She's the leader of the "Secret Special Unit" (SSU) which was founded by "The Company", to eliminate all rebellious groups, like Xeline's.

Her character seems to be similar to Red Eye's, although she neither has any consciences or even a heart...

[Ar'dun]

Mein lieber herr Gesangsverein !

@nocius:

Da sage noch einer bei der Pisa-Studie seien keine Fehler aufgetreten.

Aus meiner Sicht bist du als (noch) achtklässler richtig fit in der Materie, zumindest habe ich mir erlaubt 90% deiner Vorschläge zu übernehmen, weil es einfach richtig "Klang". *geht das selbst eher nach seinem Gefühl anstatt nach fundiertem Wissen* ^^

Vielen dank für deine wirklich konstruktive und produktive Hilfe.
Darf ich dich als Tester für die englische Demoversion meines Spiels vormerken?
Falls du im moment keine Zeit dafür hast, mach dir darüber keine Gedanken - es wird noch "etwas" dauern. ^__°

@all

Würde mich freuen, wenn jetzt nochmal jemand über die upgedatete verso drüberschaut und dadurch evt. auch die letzten Käfer findet oder besser garkeine. ^^

Gruß
~Ar'dun~

[Gnarl]

Ich hab's nochmal überarbeitet: es gab noch einige Zeitenfehler (weil eigentlich in solchen Texten alles im erzählerischen Präsens stehen muss) und Fehler, wie daß es eigentlich keinen Plural von information gibt... hier meine Version davon (ich komm jetzt in die 12. Klasse und bin ziemlich gut in Englisch):

News:
Hi Guys.

This is the English version of the info-page to my game called "Whispering Shadows".

It contains some information about the story and the characters of WS. If you want to visit the screenshot section of my page, to get an idea how the game is supposed to look like, you may do so.

Comments and critics can be sent to: Webmaster.

Enjoy it!

Story:
"Corey, a worker at "The Company", has scary and mysterious dreams for a long time. He doesn't know where they come from and what they mean. These nightmares cause splitting headaches which force him to look for help in a sanatorium, lead by "The Company".

At an intersection near the sanatorium, he causes an accident and thereby he loses his consciousness. "The Company" tries to keep this accident secret, but why? Corey is taken to the sanatorium and he's comatose since the accident happened.

Finally, as he opens his eyes, he finds himself dreaming a scary nightmare that didn’t make any sense to him in the past. This time the nightmare should end completely different than all the ones he dreamt before. Corey doesn't remember who or where he is, but as he reveals more and more secrets kept by his old employer, the swamp of lies and betrayal gets deeper and deeper..."

... Whispering Shadows ...

Characters:

Corey: Corey works for a Hi-Tech-Company named with the simple name "The Company". He has scary nightmares every night and decides to search for some answers in a sanatorium lead by "The Company".

Corey is introverted and has (in Red Eye's opinion) a strange sense of morality. He lost his memory, because of an accident on the way to the sanatorium and feels lost in this "new" dangerous world. When his new friends get into trouble, he shows which power inhabits him.

Linda: Nothing specific is known about her. She seems to be a shadow of Corey's past and is a part of his mind, in a special way.

Red Eye: Red Eye's real name is Ryan. After being captured by "The Company" inhuman experiments are practiced on him. The scientists of "The Company" force him to proof whether a new invention they made is working or not. Red Eye flees with 'Xel's' help and decides to forget his past. He dedicates his new life to the resistance to "The Company".

Red Eye hides his emotions deep within his heart. Red Eye's plain character just covers the strong pain deep within him.

Xeline: Xeline's nickname is 'Xel'. Xeline is the leader of a small rebellious group, which was nearly completely killed after an attack of "The Company". The whole group, apart from Red Eye and Xeline, was brutally killed in this massacre. Xeline is born to fight for freedom and morality. She never gives up hope. But what is the reason for her fighting...?

Khalia: She's the leader of the "Secret Special Unit" (SSU) which was founded by "The Company", to wipe out all rebellious groups, like Xeline's.

Her character seems to be similar to Red Eye's, although she has neither a consciences nor even a heart...

[Squall83]

Nur noch ein paar Details:

These nightmares cause splitting headeaches which force him to look

...

kleiner "typo", wie man im Englischen sagt. Es heißt "headache".

This time the nightmare should end completely different all the ones he dreamt before.

...

"completely different to all the ones….
Zu Corey:

He lost his memory, because of an accident on the…

...

kein Komma hier

he shows which power inhabits him.

...

"he shows the power inhabiting him"
Zu Xeline:

Xeline is born for fighting for freedom and morality.

...

"Xeline was born to fight for freedom and morality." wäre mein Vorschlag.

Soviel von mir dazu.
Grüße, Squall83

edit: Ich hab Gnarls Beitrag erst jetzt gesehen. Kann sein, dass jetzt was doppelt genannt ist.

[Gnarl]

Es könnten natürlich noch kleine Leichtsinnsfehler drin sein, ich glaub aber nicht.

[Ar'dun]

Es könnten natürlich noch kleine Leichtsinnsfehler drin sein, ich glaub aber nicht.

...

Selbst wenn, auf die sei gepfiffen. Ehrlich gesagt hätte ich nicht gedacht, das sich nochmal jemand meinem Anliegen so umfassend widmen würde. Vielen vielen dank, Leute.

Die Seite wurde ein weiteres mal geupdatet. Wer nun noch auf Fehlersuche gehen will (beispielsweise in der Screenshot-section)
soll das ruhig tun, doch ich glaube die gröbsten Schnitzer sind erstmal draußen *hoff*.

Ich trage mich grade mit der Entscheidung schonmal die Stellen im Spiel zu übersetzen, die auf den Screens gezeigt werden, um die Seite komplett zu haben. Vielleicht schreib ich aber nur einen kleinen Verweiß und lass das Ganze so.

Anregungen zu diesem Hinweiß (bevor das der einzige Teil wird der komplett in denglisch da steht) könnt ihr hier auch noch posten oder an den Webmaster (*hint* mich) senden.

Gruß

~Ar'dun~

[nocius]

Screenshots:
"In this scene, Corey promises something." <- In this scene, Corey makes a promise. <- Das wäre mein Vorschlag, dieses gesomethingse gefällt mir nicht besonders.

"A really cool Bossfight. You'll agree with me, if you've played the demo of WS." <- A stunning Bossfight. You'll agree with my, after you've played the demo of WS. <- Wäre IMO stylistisch besser.

"One of the features the demo contains: Original "Item-Pics".

"Another feature: This screen shows 3 Charsets, which were edited or original drawn by me." <- Da würd ich bei beiden malen das Original drawn, bzw. das Original zu self-made machen, hört sich IMO einfach besser an.

Danke für dein Lob, ich weiß, besonders mit den Zeiten hab ichs nicht so. Aber, ohne Angeben zu wollen, ich denke ich bin den meisten aus meiner Klasse was voraus, da ich sehr viel im Internet bin und Kontakt zu Englisch-Sprechenden Personen habe, da kommt mal viel öfter dazu, englisch zu schreiben usw. sicherlich, davon wird meine Aussprache nicht besser, aber hier für braucht man nun mal nur das Written English.


Ich wünsch dir weiterhin viel Erfolg mit deinem Projekt.

Und: Falls es eine Englische Demo gibt, dann würde ich dir da gerne bei helfen, in den Ferien habe ich sehr viel Zeit.

[Ar'dun]

Give me a hug my friend.

Nochmals danke für die Hilfe und schöne Ferien (genieße sie solange du sie noch hast ^^ ). Ich schätze mal das die Demo noch ziemlich lange dauern wird, da meine Zeit für den Maker leider ziemlich begrenzt ist und ich selbst mir gewisse Ziele gesteckt habe *hatte erst gestern unter der Dusche mal wieder ein angeregtes Gespräch mit seinem Unterbewusstsein*, die es noch zu erreichen gilt.

Die Bereitstellung des Info-Content für anders-sprachige Säugetiere, ist ja damit erstmal abgeschlossen. *Häckchen macht* ^^

Dann mal wieder -> back to work...

~Ar'dun~

[Gnarl]

Ich hab dir den Text zwar schonmal verbessert, aber irgendwie hat er mir immernoch nicht gefallen. Jetzt hab ich komplett alles von deiner deutschen Version nochmal neu übersetzt, damit mir der Stil richtig gefällt. Lies dir's einfach mal durch:

News: Headline: English Version Uploaded.
(den Rest find ich so gut, wie er is bei News)

Story:

"For a long time, worker 'Corey' suffers from strange visions in his dreams. He knows neither their origin nor their meaning. Those nightmares cause such strong headaches, that the only way left for Corey is to seek help from the neurologists at the HOPE (hospital of psychic eulogistic), the hospital of „The Company”.
At a crossroad near the HOPE-centre, Corey loses his consciousness and causes an accident. But “The Company” tries to keep this accident away from the public and declares it top secret. Being in a strange comatose condition, Corey is taken to the HOPE-centre.
Opening his eyes, Corey realizes that he is in one of those strange nightmares, that didn’t make any sense to him in the past. But this time, the dream should be different from all the others. Corey can’t remember anything. Butt he more he learns about his former employer, the thicker gets the web of lies and betrayal.

Charaktere: (änder das zu Chars, oder Characters)

Corey:
Corey is an employee of a Hi-Tech-company with the simple name "The Company". Haunted by strange nightmares he decides to seek aid at the asylum of the company.
Corey is an introvert and (in Red Eye’s opinion) an odd idea of morality. Having lost his memory on the way to the asylum, he feels lost and alone in his situation. He makes new friends. When they are threatened, he finally shows what powers were hidden within...

Linda:

Little is known about Linda. She is but a shadow from Corey’s former life and seems to have a special relationship to him.

Red Eye:

"Red Eye’s” real name is Ryan. Captured by “The Company”, he was subject of cruel experiments. Scientists of “The Company” made him blind to test a machine that should make the blind see. Aided by ‘Xel’, Red Eye escapes “The Company“. He decides to leave his former life behind and to dedicate his new life to the resistance that fights against the misdeeds of “The Company”. He gives the nickname “Red Eye” to himself and tries to ignore his past.
After all the torment and suffering Red Eye has become dull and so it is rare, that he shows any feeling. With his plain appearance he tries to hide the pain from within. Corey’s behaviour, that is very emotional, scares him. But even that can be disguised by playing the rude and strong guy.

Xeline:

Xeline is the head of a small group of rebels. They were attacked, but resistance didn’t resist those attacks. Red Eye and ‘Xel’ seem to be the only survivors. Xeline seems to be born to lead und is not likely to stop the fight against “The Company”.

Khalia:

She’s the commander of a special unit of “The Company” formed to smash the resistance. The bases of her character resemble those of Red Eye, but she seems to have neither qualm nor heart…

Screenshots:

The Main screen

Corey makes a promise that he cannot keep at first…

They, who already know the teaser, will notice the improvements of this boss-fight

One of the main features of the demo version: self-drawn “Item-Images”

Another feature: Three edited or completely self-drawn characters.
(Left-click an image to view it in full size)

[Ar'dun]

Bilder sagen mehr als tausend Worte:

Habe wieder ein paar Sachen übernommen, umgestellt, eingetütet und verschickt...äh halt..

Die story Beschreibung gefällt mir nun auch um einiges besser. Allein bei "eulogistics" muss ich fragend schauen. Da spuckt mein Lexikon "lobend" aus :/

Zu deutsch also sowas wie: "Hospital für psychisches Lob" ?

Ansonsten würde mir das Wortspiel für die eng-verso verdammt gut gefallen. Passt wie die Faust auf's Auge.

Und danke für den Hinweis auf "Charaktere". Das hatte ich wohl dummerweise schlicht übersehen ^^

~Ar'dun~

[Gnarl]

Ups, "eulogistics" hab ich im einsprachigen Wörterbuch wohl falsch verstanden (da stand irgendwas mit psycho drin).
Hier noch ein paar bessere Vorschläge:
HOPE: Hospital Of Psychic/Psychological Emergencies
HOPE: Hospital Of Psycho-defected Employees
HOPE: Hospital for Odities and Psychological Emergencies

oder wenn's nicht HOPE sein sollte:

ASS: Asylum for Soul-Sickness
(ein A**** ist ja fast so gut, wie Hoffnung)

Ach ja und noch was: auf deiner Startseite ist nur German als Link unterstrichen, und Englisch funkt nicht auszuwählen.