Wortlos und doch nicht...

[Demonhunter]

Dumbness

You don't know
how it feels to be dumb...
You can't say anything at all...
I tried to tell you to
stay
but no words came out...
I just can write it down
you are out of town...
I felt in love with you
but I couldn't tell you so...
I wouldn't go
I believe in love
and maybe I believe in wonders...
Later I fall
to the ground
and you be there to help me...
What I feel for you are the strongest feelings I've ever had...
I found
new energy in your love
and I just wanna tell you one thing:
I love you!


Demon

[Nirazul]

Dumbness
[eine formale änderung, die nichts mit der bewertung zu tun hat]

You don't know
how it feels to be dumb...
You can't say anything at all...
I tried to tell you to
stay
but no words came out...
I just can write it down
you are out of town...
I fell in love with you
but I couldn't tell you so...
I wouldn't go
I believe in love
and maybe I believe in wonders...
Later I fall
to the ground
an you be there to help me...
What I feel for you are the strongest feelings I've ever had...
I found
new energy in your love
and I just wanna tell you one thing:
I love you!

Komisches Phänomen:
Ich wollte eigentlich zunächst schreiben, dass es dir gelungen ist, einen klassischen Liedtext für einen 08/15 Popsong zu schreiben. Aber irgendwie ist da mehr drin. Die Zeilen hängen zwar nicht sehr zusammen (das sollte man verändern), doch es gibt Stellen, die sehr schön geschrieben sind. Beachtet man die Tatsache, dass es in Englisch ist, durchaus gut :)...
Der Anfang gefällt mir nicht so, dumb ist so plump ^^. Warum ist das Ich "dumb"? Hätte ich anders geschrieben ._.

[La Cipolla]

Hm...
Einige Sachen sind seltsam.
Und für ein Liebesgedicht stimmt meiner Meinung nach der Gesamteindruck nicht, weil das Ende zu kalt ist.

I felt in love with you
Vielleicht "I fell in love with you"?

an you be there to help me...
"You are there to help me"

Und dieses "To the ground" ist auch komisch (Hab aber keinen besseren Vorschlag.)
An sich für die Thematik zu lasch, allgemein gesehen aber in Ordnung.

[Demonhunter]

Danke für die Kritik.
Hier ein etwas besseres, wie ich finde.

The Night

When I see outside
I wonder why the day is gone,
there is night.
All around it's dark,
nowhere any light.
Shadows are creeping,
no reason to hide,
are coming toward me.
Just a moment I thought
before I spoke word for word,
to stop the darkness
by defeating the weakness
of myself.
My anger has won,
gets more control.
The words of pain
start to rain,
fall down on my body,
down on my soul.
Maybe I'm just one
but my feelings are my strenght,
my anger my sword,
my love my shield.
Each move accompanied by a spark,
I walk deep into the heart of my fear,
while I'm crying tear for tear.
I don't no the lenght
and it also doesn't matter
but it was like I walked hundrets of miles.
I went througe the village,
went over some isles,
went to the place
where I saw your face
the first time.
Now I couldn't sleeping
I couldn't dream.
I want to scream
but I can't do.
Thought I stopped the night
but I just was getting a part of it.
I thouht it was a lie,
the price was much too high,
but in my arms I'm holding you.
The air I caught
was filled with your special scent.
I felt your heat,
your eyes were closed,
can't see these emeralds.
The only thing I need
to get out of this wrong worlds
is the answer of your heart.
So the darkness has to go apart.
That's the way my heart choosed,
I haven't said anything
just to let you the chance to begin.
But now I don't see any sense,
does I thought it is a sin?
I've got no time for such a tense
while I'm loosing nearly all I got.
I'm lost in a knot
of lies and discretion.

~Demonhunter~