Das geilste gamefaqs.com Review aller Zeiten

[Knuckles]

Gerade habe ich dieses Review in den Foren von Nexgam gefunden, aber ich fand es so genial, das es hier auch einen Thread verdient hat und das sogar mit dem gleichen Titel! *diebstahl*

Hier ist nun der Schrecken, den man früher mal kaufen konnte.

Review by Baradur

Every country has it's own idiotic kids show. Japan has Dragon Ball Z, England has Teletubbies. We here in America though, have the most. For example, there's every show on the forsaken Disney Channel, every show on Nickelodeon, and many more, in my opinion. But there is one show that stands far above the rest on the scale of retardation. That show is Barney. Everyone already hated the show, so why did they make this completely idiotic Genesis game, Barney's Hide and Seek? I don't want to know. Many years ago, I played this game once to see if it was as stupid as people made it out to be, and I'm still traumatized by the incident. Let's just get on to the review, so I can explain why every copy of this horrible game needs to be blasted into the sun.

Gameplay 1/10: This is the worst gameplay I've ever seen! In Barney's Hide and Seek, you control that big, idiotic, purple blob, Barney! Now there's a big surprise! All you do is walk around this very strange, frightening land looking for little, moronic kids that are playing hide & seek with you. There's even an added bonus in this game to make it even worse! Baby Bop, the mentally retarded, bright green triceratops who doesn't have any horns, is playing hide & seek with you! Aside from looking for annoying little brats and that green pile of giggling excrement, you get to look for presents as well. I don't quite know what presents have to do with hide and seek, but hey, the game has Barney in it! It doesn't have to make sense! Now let's talk about the wonderfully done controls. You use the control pad to move around. Gee, that sounds difficult. The A, B, and C buttons all do the same thing. They can let Barney find the kids, blow kisses for some random reason, and even pick up garbage! Why on earth would there be a reason for you to need to pick up trash in a hide and seek game?! Another thing that makes me mad is that you can't kill Barney! That's so disappointing!

Challenge 1/10: Look, even though this is a kid's game, it's still way too easy. It's impossible die and you can easily beat this game in under half an hour! There is no challenge whatsoever in this game. In Hide and Seek, the kids and Baby Bop are almost completely exposed from their hiding spots, making it extremely easy to find them.

Story 1/10: One day Barney captured a bunch of kids, brainwashed them, and brought them to Happyland to play hide and seek with him. That's what the story basically is in my mind.

Graphics 2/10: As much as I hate the fat purple freak, the only redeeming quality in this pathetic pile of stinking trash that some call a game are the graphics. They're pretty awful, but then I've seen worse on the Genesis. Barney looks like Barney, Baby Bop looks like her usual idiotic self, and the kids look like kids in a strange, twisted way. The background is too bright and happy, and has too many rainbows and cheer in it for my tastes.

Sound 1/10: NOTHING is more annoying and sickening than the sound and music in Barney's Hide and Seek. The music is constantly in a happy, uplifting tune, and Barney never shuts up! Whenever he finds a kid, he'll always say something disturbing in his annoying voice, such as,''I LOVE YOU!!!''. He'll say other things too, like ''Yay! A balloon!'' or, ''Wait until it's safe!''. Having a big purple dinosaur say that to me would make me feel very uncomfortable.

Playtime/Replayability 1/10: Don't waste you're time with this game, it will just make you stupider. Even the biggest Barney fan will tire of this game quickly. If you have the willpower to look past the stupidity, and beat this game, you'll never want to play it again. Trust me.

Rent or Buy? Do yourself a favor, and never buy this game. Don't even rent it, then again, I don't think you CAN rent it anymore.

Playing this game will make you sick, and stupid. Games like this are the reason we have first person shooting games. That's all I have to say.

Und? Habt ihr auch so geniale Reviews zu Hand?
Eigentlich kann man diesen Thread sehr gut nutzen, für die besten Reviews der schlechtesten Spiele!

[Tonberi]

lul die reviews sind mal echt geil ^^

[dideldumm83]

Whaaaaaa,wieee geil!!!!
Man is das cool!hahaha,hab mich weggeschmissen,vor allem die Schlußsätze von den beiden sind genialst!!!:D
Jetzt erinere ich ich auch an Barney,mann das war dieser oberbeknackte lila dino!Hab da son Shooter,da musste die ganze Zeit nix anderes machen,als den abzuknallen!!!:D

[RaphiDX]

lol, einfach genial!


Final Thought: Kids: if you got this game from your parents, they hate you.

zum glück hab ich das niemals geschenkt gekriegt!:D

[Blackadder]

barny, dieser kinderschänder, dass es von dem lila arsch ein spiel gibt... die welt ist grausam.

nun denn, ich geh mich ma vertecken.
die zu zombies mutierten kinder suchen schon nach mir.

[Knuckles]

Hier ist noch eins, zu wolfi's Lieblings-RPG! :D

Holy Magic Century aka Quest 64

There are very few games I give my taste buds a try with, but after playing this, I certainly did feel like eating this game. For those of you who have bought it, it's good with ketchup, but try BBQ sauce if you like some extra spice to it. I just bought this game actually, since there are only about 6 RPG's (is this one of them? I'm not sure) on the N64, and since I got mad after the cancellation of Earthbound 64, I bought this to ease my pain. But instead I filled the wound with salt and melted the salt into it, and now suffer eternal pain from the unmistakable mistake of purchasing this game. So if you buy this game to play instead of eat it,you'll get seriously hurt. Don't say I didn't warn you. So therefore I give this game my ''Tasty'' award. These are the games you would rather eat then play.

Graphics: Hmm oh yes I felt like I was in a very massive world at times, however it only serves to lengthen the game as it is EXTREMELY linear, i.e. you are traveling across a huge bridge on one dungeon. Let's see, when will I get to the end of this bridge. Oh well, it has its novelty. But this is one of the few pleasures in the game. The rendering scheme seems to be similar to Super Mario 64 so that's pretty much how it looks like, complete with brightly colored characters and millions of camera glitches.
Spells? Oh they look ok. Most spells are about 1 1/2 second long and not very scary, but they appear amusing. The funnest part of this game is probably looking at a place that's very far away, and then going to it. Oh yes, and the game's FPS slows to a crawl in big towns, or various other areas with a large amount of polygons. The monsters are certainly... original, as well. But the bosses leave much to be desired. Whoa a townsperson standing in the middle of the room! Oh wait it's a boss.

Music: The music is silly and gets on your nerves after a while, but sometimes it's pretty cool, mainly during the final part of the game. Other than that, music is overused and makes your head explode, dripping your brains all over the wall, blood everywhere... oh anyway, after your head explodes, it will rearrange and your brain will function enough to hear the MIDI sounding music. Yuck. Mario and Starfox had MIDI sounding music, but it wasn't constructed by evil lords of death who have just found out what MIDI is. This music was put together on a very BAD synthesizer.

Sound Effects: These sound effects are OK. Hit someone with a staff and the thunk is slightly satisfying. Go to the ocean and hear the subliminal tides--er, water sound. However, many FX are cut and pasted to other events in the game. So there. There should have been better quality sound FX and they should have come with more of them.

Interaction: No money in this game is the first terrrible sign of doom. You get things free from other people for no reason, probably because they're afraid of you. The other thing is that you are stuck forever with your thunking wooden staff, and never change your clothes (underwear.) Spells you acquire by beating enough enemies (about 5 thousand) until you pick a gem to add to your collection of basic elements (Fire Earth Water Wind) and more gems mean more spells, pretty much which all of them are crap. Oh and if you don't get certain spells then you will certainly suck at beating the super hard enemies. I was lucky. Experience is gained by fighting millions of enemies... it is very tedious, the battle scheme, in a mockery of classic turn-based battles. Talking to people reveals what little plot there is to the game, you are in search of a book and your dad the whole game, basically. Items have very asinine effects that you rarely ever need, such as you get items that heal 150 HP when you have only 50 HP. Smart. However, you can carry infinite items so maybe it's not too bad.
Dungeons are pretty much mazes, not even much of mazes at that. If you hate those brainwracking puzzles in Zelda, this is what dungeons would be like without them. Whoops!

Depth: Depth is pretty sorry. There is nothing to do but explore the linear worlds and find secret gems to boost your spell power, but this quickly gets boring. If nothing else, the final boss is pretty neat. Exploring towns is boring too. It is fun to watch the N64 churn away polygons at a slow FPS in a big town. Real fun. Hey time slows down too. How fun is that? Honestly. The characters have all the personality of a plate of mashed potatoes. Sorry, there are only a few secret areas in the game, and they aren't even that hard to find. Heh heh, to the developers of this game... it sucks to be you. The ending of the game is way too stupid. But it tastes good with Worcestshire sauce.

Balance: The game is a perfect example of how not to balance a game. The enemies are almost always one step ahead of you, in power. ''Wow I now have 97 HP! Hey who's this? Ugh...'' This usually happens at the most inopportune times, such as in the middle of the dungeon where your last save point was 50 miles away. There is a compass on your screen, which helps somewhat and a map of the outside world, but not for dungeons. The bosses are pretty impossible without the right skills. It is inevitable to get hit by their attacks, almost all the time. Oh, and you'll get very annoyed when you walk through a dungeon, having to battle every 6 seconds, taking 45 minutes to walk through the dungeon, and killed by the bosses first hit. This is near the time you start to get hungry for metal.

Presentation: There are no opening cinemas... closing cinemas, or any cinemas. That turns me off somewhat. Oh the opening music is very horrible. In fact, on the very first screen, you expect to go out through the bottom space, as is conventional with RPG's but instead the door out is in an obscure corner. Ooh I suddenly feel dizzy, I should see a doctor and have my brain checked for buying this game. (Used, in my case, for $18.95. By the way, I am returning it today.)

Innovation: None. At all. Towns and monsters have a flicker of originality, but that's all. A flicker. Oh yes, and the name Quest 64 is so generic, you shouldn't have even bought this game, really.

Extras: Heh heh are you kidding?

The game tastes like a mixture of plastic and other various types of metal, but that's a good thing. I looked at the game and I thought it would not suck. Oh well, I have bad judgment now don't I? Well, then don't trust this review. Go buy it, who knows you might be one of the few people in the Milky Way Galaxy who like this game. (The developers.)
Alright time for my leaving catchphrase... whoops, I left it at home. Sorry guys.

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